саpтivатiои

would you rather fight to the death and win, or
stay silent and let the other side win,
let them think that everything's alright afterwards,
just so you don't have to go through the pain?
can it be that sometimes in order to protect the
reality we belong to, it is necessary to
lose the battles, sacrifice what is dear to us
in order to keep the peace, compromise
when we have nothing left to give up?
can it be that sometimes it is NOT right
to stand up for yourself, to fight for what you
think, what you KNOW is the truth? How does one win
a battle that is fought repeatedly,
exactly the same each time? How do we know
who is right and who is wrong,
who deserves to win or lose?
Is blood thicker than water?
Must I give up this last piece of love
I lay claim to and go on to lead a life
made of expectations and masks?
I cannot live in this world without things like
him, but somehowthey find it wrong
for me to take pleasure in what THEY don't beleive in.
I am reduced to this prisoner in the dark,
trapped and beaten by words and more words and
a guilty conscience afterwards, scratching
in the dirt, scrabbling for answers I know
are not there. How long must I pretend
to be something I am not? They say it's
never too late, but when that right moment
never comes after such a long wait, I can't help
but wonder if I've missed my chance at a life
that is the same as all the others.
My body is slowly being destroyed by things
I'm not even aware of. I have to save everything,
so suddenly, I can't see the path before me, my anger
keeps rising up to blind me, to bind me in
an embrace of fire and unreasoning darkness.
I can no longer control what I think, what
I feel. I'm left with the last escape of
these flickering stories, cheap romantic
imitations and interpretations, nothing more than
wishful thinking, maybe a product of somebody
just like me, so trapped in their own lives
and longing for some sort of escape.

I need a blue sky holiday~

hate this hate this hate this.






i never would have thought that even
after we confessed our feelings
or lack thereof, obviously, to ourselves
and to each other, that we'd still be
haning in such a terribly heartbreaking
balance of things. I never expected the
almost-awkwardness to go on, the way we
have always sat beside each other
while wishing for more, singing along
to the same lyrics and knowing, just
knowing, that what we are is something
that could have been, should not be,
and something that probably never really
left our wishes and our most secret dreams.
I regret sometimes having met you, having
found such a warmth, having shared anything
with you at all. But now it's as if everything
is different and yet nothing has and
ever will change because in the end
we still are two people with two
separate lives but one pair of scales
upon with our heart lie. And today it's like
some kind of lonely affirmation of
the fact that we both missed our chances
and since chances are all there ever is
for people like us, we might just be
keeping this precarious balance of
closeness and distance in the same
cold awareness for the rest of our human
lives.

Okay so Breaking Dawn comes out on August 2nd and I really wanted to go to the midnight masquerade thing at the local bookstore. Cuz then like get the book at midnight and start reading and all that coolness right?

but NO! I'm going to HK to visit my grandparents and I'm leaving August 1st! >< >< >< Meaning I'll miss 08.02 and that sucks muchly *dies*

anyways.....that is all.  *cries in a corner* on teh bright side I managed to find a copy of the Special Edition Eclipse in an obscure bookstore and I read teh first chapter of BD while the person wasn't looking =) that way I don't have to buy it. I want the stuff inside though >_>

So yeah, it rained today and it was kind of nice because it reminded me of those days. Or rather, that day.

It is sad because today was not that day, and such a day will probably never come again. We humans tend to move exclusively in a forward direction, never backwards, never staying in one place. Come to think of it, it's not really an individual complaint of mine. How many people have looked back at some faded-photograph time and wished they could have that moment back just once, even briefly, so that they could just feel the same things again?

If I could go back, the first day I would go back to is a rainy day. I would have the following moments back:
1. the elevator doors opening and you leaning against the wall outside
2. the wonder and the miracle of you holding the umbrella for me
3. sitting together on the bus, everything damp with rain but my heart singing when you laughed and spoke
4. running with you, behind you, from you. it made us even more soaked but who needs to be dry when you have love infatuation and sparks anyways
5. the moment right before you broke my heart, when everything was still perfect. fragile, but perfect.

and the moments I would skip over would be
1. the moment those words came out of your mouth
 (i know you tried to catch them, how noble)
2. lying for you, still on your side, and saying goodbye with empty hands

and the second day I would go back to is the day I got a second chance and I thought too long about it.

and if I really could go back to that day, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I wouldn't even wait for technology, I would run down the street (many streets) and arrive at your door with a smile and a heart full and overflowing and I would take it all and drop it into your hands (with a cherry on top) and tell you

yes yes yes yes yes.

things i hate:
being forced to make a decision
not having time to think
having many things to do at once
saying "i dont know"
being told I'm not allowed to say "I don't know"
people who don't know when to shut up
people who try too hard
people who are too nice
honestly not knowing
things that do not end

however I DO now need to make a decision without having enough time to consider, and make a few such decisions at once. At this point in time, every chance I get where somebody asks me "so what do you think you'll do?" I reply "I don't know", followed by the inevitable "How could you not know??". These are the types of people who can't seem to leave me alone, whether they are trying to impress me, bug me, or help me. And I feel like, even though it's been a while and things didn't exactly just start yesterday, I have no idea what my next step is/should be and no idea how I'm supposed to know. Unfortunately, it isn't something that will pass, it's something that will become a life.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

I just want this to stop stop stop. And I know, I'm being a child. amendment to the aforementioned list: behaving like a small child.

On the other hand, I received a wedding invitation today. ^_^ CONGRATS KAY AND HENRYYY